Mom and dad home from the hospital while Asher stays in the NICU

Driving home from the hospital was one of the toughest experiences of our whole journey so far.  Saying goodnight to your 3 day old baby and leaving him for over 12 hours is not something I would wish on anyone.  I can say over and over again that we know he is in good hands, but that doesn't change how much it hurts to say goodnight to your little person as you head home and pray that he makes it through the night in good health.  I am beginning to realize that this is something that all parents probably feel even when they tuck in their newborn to bed for the first time and go to sleep, hoping that baby is safe and protected through the night.  There is a feeling of hopelessness for us, a lack of control and a disconnect between our lives and our favorite little person's first experiences of life.  It's true that his time in the nicu is saving his life, it's nourishing him and healing him in ways that we as parents can't do for a preemie, but the feeling remains that we wish we could be stronger, do more, give him something else and know that he's going to be ok.  Every hour feels like a leap of faith in the unknown, a mini miracle for every minute that we don't receive a call in the middle of the night alerting us to something that happened.  

Here we are now, so thrilled to be home and so scared that we left our baby miles and miles away from our embrace, entrusting him to the care and protection of those masterful magical nicu doctors, nurses and medical professionals who spend every day of their lives saving our little boys life.  Our appreciation for them is beyond description.  Our appreciation is beyond measure for the countless people who have studied and evolved the science of nicu care which is actively breathing life into our little angel's lungs in every breath.  We are amazed, awestruck and thankful for this world where our tiny man has such a strong opportunity to grow, survive and thrive.  Julia held him today, no phones, no cameras, just pure momma baby connection, and it was the most beautiful experience I've ever felt.  The power of love is unquestionable.

It was truly beautiful to come home to such a warm welcome from our families.  A warm home cooked meal, a friendly smiles and a loving embrace do wonders to rejuvenate the soul and revive our spirit.  And Julia is already enjoying the cozy cradle of our soft and silky bed.  There are so many things now that just make me happy.  Like being able to walk around freely, breathing inside without a mask and feeling secure knowing that we are all still here for each other no matter what.  I know I'm home listening to the chorus of the frogs outside, practicing their nightly symphony.  It reminds me of the preciousness of every breath and every utterance of life.  And it reminds me of our baby boy out there, with his quiet crying and his gentle clutch.  I love being home and I hate that I can't be with my son.  So I live in that tension and that uncertainty.  We all have those intersections in our lives that pull us apart, and we have those warming feelings of family, love and support that glue us back together.  Right now I feel like I'll never take anyone or anything for granted again.  Like I'll live in a state of complete gratitude and appreciation for the wonder of just being alive and the absolute gift of every breath on this earth.

There's also something to be said about a cool refreshing beverage after a week in the hospital.

For now I'll keep the faith that our most precious tiny warrior will continue to grow without any issues.  Continue to eat more and more each day, continue to develop his breathing and his brain.  Continue to have bigger and bigger poops.  I can't wait to change his big stinky diapers, and I pray that we reach that day as smoothly as possible.  Everyone says that this journey will be a rollercoaster.  There will be difficult days, there will be setbacks.  I hear it and I am ready for it.  But I won't let it take away from my joy in each moment I can spend holding my little man and each day where he can live and breathe and eat and pee and poop without any problems.  Tomorrow he'll have an ultrasound of his head and a new set of lab tests to check that he's not bleeding internally and to check that his little system is doing what it needs to do.  I'm optimistic that everything will look ok, but I know that anything could happen.  And I know that Julia and I and all of you will get through this no matter what.  Just because we don't have any control over the future doesn't mean we can't be unabashedly trusting that everything will work out ok in the end.  And just because we don't have any control over how our sweet little angel will be affected by the energy of this universe that connects all existence, doesn't mean we can't pray to all the higher powers and ask them to shine their light and continue to share their miracle of growing baby boy Asher.  So I will pray, each and every day, and I will sing and dance and laugh and cry each and every day along this adventure of saving our baby's life moment by moment.

Thank you everyone.  I'll always say it.  Thank you, for your love, for your kindness, for your stories.  You all keep our world turning and keep the faith alive.  I hope you know I'd do anything for all of you, and I hope one day soon you can see baby Asher's face, hold him in your arms, feel his heart on your heart, and know that you played a part in bringing his spirit to life and keeping him alive.

Julia reads a nursery rhyme to Asher while he sleeps

Julia changes baby boy's diaper

Beautiful baby

Julia helps to feed baby boy by placing a few drops of breast milk around his lips

Those few drops immediately soothe him, he stops crying and practices sucking on the pacifier

After two minutes Asher passes out in a breast milk bliss coma with his mouth open and drops the pacifier 

Saying goodnight to Asher before leaving the hospital was the toughest moment of our lives